


The Importance of Being Matt

by Davechicken



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-08-17 11:51:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8142757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Davechicken/pseuds/Davechicken
Summary: Kylo has to find ingenious ways to get time alone with Hux.





	

Kylo is still kind of pissed off that Hux thinks he’s a dirty little secret. No matter how many times he gives him ‘sensible’ and ‘reasonable’ explanations for keeping their trysts private (staff morale, not encouraging others to derelict their duty for the sake of sexual satisfaction, combating any accusations of favouritism, etc etc), Kylo just hears something else instead.

 _I am ashamed to admit I might maybe sort of have feelings for you, and also I like your body_.

Because there are _no_ regulations forbidding their courtship. Kylo is in an entirely different management stream (to use Hux’s stupid analogies), and if anything he’s probably his superior, even if Hux likely thinks the same about himself. They’re not about to blow up ships because they’re having sex (after the time with the fire drill and the sex on the bridge thing, Hux has always turned panels off if they climb up on them, so it’s not going to be an issue again, and they _didn’t_ destroy anything _critical_ with their grinding, just... cause some maintenance misfortune). They’re not about to run off and join the fucking Resistance just because – well – they’re _fucking_. People have sexual drives and urges and so it’s not like it’s... bad, it’s just...

“No,” Hux says, when Kylo tries to initiate something in the corridor away from the briefing.

“Hux, it’s going to _drop off_.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Ren. Your penis will not detach from your body if you have to wait for it to have some attention.”

“My balls are bluer than a fucking Chiss’,” Kylo whines. 

“It’s getting too obvious. We need to have some distance.”

“So you want me to jerk off in my room and make you f—”

Someone comes closer, and an elbow in his ribs makes Kylo yelp in annoyance. 

“Sir,” the officer says, ignoring the fact that Kylo wants their head to explode. “I have that requisition we discussed.”

“Wonderful,” Hux replies, and Kylo knows that’s the end of this particular seduction.

***

Kylo goes through a lot of options. He tries to disable the cameras on the approach to Hux’s quarters, but this is apparently a grievous breach of protocol and tantamount to high treason and blah, blah, blah.

He tries pulling Hux into a cleaning cupboard, only the only thing that pokes him between the buttons is a mop handle, and that’s no fun. 

He tries going under Hux’s desk, but the first time someone walks in on them like that Hux’s heel comes down on his fingers and Kylo nearly bites off his dick and that is _absolutely not a good idea or one to be repeated ever, ever again_.

He even tries assigning them some dead-space third quarters off in the bowels of the ship, but Hux points out he shouldn’t be seen dead there anyway, so the whole thing is moot.

For a while, it appears all hope is lost. Kylo’s found love in a ginger idiot who is too busy concerned with his appearance to properly satisfy his paramour. Jerking it in the ‘fresher and calling him to whine down the comm is only good for the first few times before it just becomes pathetic and you can’t get it up at all.

Thus... Matt.

***

The wig itches. That’s the worst part. That and the fact that the glasses (which are only for show and have no alteration in the lenses) do nothing to conceal his face. He walks out into the corridor, in the brightest camouflage known to the First Order, and he’s _convinced everyone is looking at him_.

For all of two hours. When he then realises no one is looking at him.

But not in the way they don’t look at Kylo Ren (their eyes skittering off like oil over water), in a way that says he’s literally nothing more than a place where pathfinding can’t happen. Like a structural beam, or a seam between panels. He’s just as invisible as the target sign is to a stormtrooper’s rifle.

And while that’s kind of the point, he’s also pretty pissed off. He’s come up with an elaborate backstory and personality profile for his alter ego, and no one even says fucking _hello_? Even worse, some of the officers _walk straight at him_ and expect him to move, and when he doesn’t... they threaten to bring him up on disciplinary charges?

He’s about to scream something ill-advised when a hand pats his shoulder.

Kylo – _Matt_ – whirls, and sees someone else in orange. They offer a little smile.

“Sorry, Sir, he’s newly transferred.”

“I’ll transfer him to _hyperspace_ by way of an _airlock_ ,” the officer threatens.

“I’ll make sure he’s re-conditioned,” the maintenance tech says.

“See that you do.”

And – obviously relinquishing his fate to this other invisible man – the officer storms off. He’s clearly glad to not have to deal with it any more, and K— _Matt_ grinds his teeth.

“You’re welcome, by the way,” the other one says.

Oh, shit. Kylo just forgot he existed, too. He’s just as bad at this. “What, for getting me re-conditioned?”

“You really think he’ll check?”

Oh. _Oh_. So that was kindness? He turns in confusion, and skims through the man’s surface thoughts for any signs of deception. 

There are none.

“...thank you,” he forces out, past unwilling lips.

“Don’t sweat it. Just... remember to keep yourself safe, okay?”

He isn’t even supposed to be doing this for long. Just long enough to get to Hux’s quarters. He was only testing the disguise out, after all.

“Okay. I will.”

***

Hux barks at him to leave before Kylo gets a chance to turn around and show his face. Hux isn’t even looking at him (underlining the problem yet again), so ‘Matt’ has to walk right up to him.

And suffer the horror on Hux’s face. “Have you gone mad?”

“No one knows what I look like, except for you.”

“So you decided to indulge in some sick fantasy and dress up? Did you think you could offer to fix my shower and act like this is some pornographic—”

Kylo hadn’t actually imagined that, only the way in through the door. “I was trying to be discreet.”

“You do realise that outfit is the most disgusting turn-off ever? _Orange_ , Ren?”

“It got me in here without any problems, didn’t it?”

“Take it off. All of it. I don’t even want to _think_ about where those overalls have been.”

“They’re new, I—”

Kisses distract him, so he agrees to take them off after all.

***

Okay, so it’s useful for getting from A to B, but also Kylo kind of likes going out as ‘Matt’. He gets to hear things.

 _Gossip_.

He gets to hear gossip.

And he kind of remembers it from _way back when_ , but recently he’s had fuck all in the way of socialisation besides Hux (who thinks that yelling in public makes people immune to realising they’re fucking), Snoke (who is an incorporeal holo-projection mostly interested in telling him how he’s fucked up today) and his Knights (who think that dick jokes are the height of sophistication). So sitting down in the mess hall with Jorge, Cael, Ella, Rudy and Tina is... you know.

Not all that bad.

Better than getting bored waiting for Hux to clock off, anyway. He can hang out for a few hours with the ‘guys’ and then go to ‘fix something’ up on the officer’s deck.

You know.

 _Hux_.

Anyway, he’s sitting with them and wondering what the fuck the red goop on the white cube is supposed to be when the topic of the _Force_ comes up.

“Tori said it’s just like – like – some weird genetic anomaly thing. You know, like some people have extra nipples?”

“Tori is an idiot,” Matt reminds Rudy.

“Yeah, but... it makes sense, right? Like we’re evolving away from toes and—”

Cael groans. “If this is about your grandmother’s webbed toes again, I swear to the stars...” 

“But it does! It makes sense. It’s like, just... being able to move air a bit or maybe having more electricity in them.”

“That’s... not how the Force works,” Matt mumbles into the various pockets around his person. 

“Tell that to the General,” Ella snickers.

“What, why?”

“Nothing. It’s just... you know. _Sparks_.”

Matt – Kylo – whoever he is – does not understand.

***

Kylo makes sure to switch about who goes to Hux’s rooms. It’s not like anyone who sees him will remember, but apparently the _footage_ is a problem and _training the whole surveillance team to ignore it_ is beyond the pale. 

Whatever. Kylo gets twice the sex, and starts wondering if he could get away with wearing a brunette wig, too, and posing as... uh... an officer? Because where there’s twice as much sex there’s scope for even more, but he thinks Hux might murder him if he tries so he holds that thought for now. 

“He must be looking for something _real_ special,” Ella croons in his ear one day.

“What?”

“You know. With all that _equipment_.”

No, he doesn’t. Matt often wonders why he can’t quite keep up with the maintenance staff. He feels low-level intrigue and minor sexual flirtation, but he doesn’t _get_ it, and he doesn’t really want to bust open skulls just to understand a bit of innuendo.

“You’re a radar technician.”

“Yes.”

“Sure it’s _ra_ dar?”

“...well, there’s multiple types of long-distance scanning equipment available...”

Ella grabs his shoulder. “It’s okay. We all know the General doesn’t _really_ have you in for calibrations.”

Matt goes _pink_. “What?”

“He likes tall guys. Or so people think.”

“ _What_?”

“You know...”

“Obviously I don’t.”

“Uh... it’s... look. If you don’t know, then—”

“WHAT?” He sends his hand sliding across the table after the flying things, trying to conceal the tantrum-flash with physical movements.

“Hey, if you’re cool with the General being... _open_ with his affections...”

“Why would it matter to me?” Except it does, and he can feel his nostrils flaring in a sudden panic. _What if he’s being kept away so Hux can sleep with more people?_

“I mean, when it’s – you know – someone with the Force... he probably is making Hux fuck him anyway, right? So you don’t need to—”

He runs from the room, panicking, and holding the wig into place as he does so. 

_He’s jealous of himself for fucking Hux, now_. Wonderful. Now the whole team will think both Matt _and Kylo_ are sleeping with Hux, Hux will get a name as a sexually promiscuous and unrestrained monster, and people are going to feel sorry for him because the officer he’s apparently fucking is just using him. And the other him.

And Hux is going to be so, so pissed with him for all of this.

***

“ _You there_ ,” Hux’s tone cuts through the air, imperious to the last. “I thought I told you to fix the – screen – for me an hour ago?”

For all the General insists he would never get off on a subordinate, and that ‘Matt’s’ uniform is a numbing agent, he sure as hell enjoys running his mouth off around him whenever he bumps into him.

Like. Why? Is he trying to initiate some shitty porno roleplay, or is he over-compensating for the role Kylo is playing, or is he getting off on yelling at him?

“We need to talk,” Matt says instead.

“...what?”

“It’s over, General,” he says, trying not to shake. 

There’s three people in this corridor alone, and those three people will infect every ear on this ship within days. Kylo has learned how the paths of information spread, now. He’s used and abused it plenty.

“...whatever are you talking about, R—uh...”

He’s forgotten his alias’ surname.

“See! You don’t even know my name!”

“You’re just a technician, what are you trying to—”

“You keep him,” Matt snarls. “I hope he makes you happy.”

“What?”

“ _The Knight_ ,” he spits, and storms off before Hux can do anything but screech incoherently behind him.

***

“ **WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU HOPE TO ACHIEVE BY HUMILIATING ME IN FRONT OF PEOPLE**?” Hux yells, slamming the door behind him. 

“They all thought you were fucking Matt _and_ Kylo anyway.”

“ **THEY WHAT**?”

“Like I said... they thought you were a two-timing shit. So now you can just date Kylo Ren. Of course, Matt will be heartbroken, but Rudy says—”

“Have you forgotten that _Matt isn’t real_?”

“How fucking dare you?” Kylo snaps. “Matt is as real as he wants to be.” After all, Kylo was a name he picked. Why can’t Matt be a person, too?

“So you’ve now decided to tell the ship that the General was fucking a Radar Technician, and that the Radar Technician _dumped him_ , so that he could continue to date the _Master of Ren_?”

“Pretty much. Keep up, Hux.”

“I hate you.”

“I don’t have to hide coming to visit you, now.”

Hux pinches his nose. “Get out, Ren.”

“...but Hux...”

“Fine, _get out, Matt_. I’m not in the mood to be manipulated like this.”

“...but...”

Hux’s expression is pained. “How will anyone take me seriously, now?”

Kylo thinks for a moment. “I have an idea.”

“If this involves you wearing another fucking wig...”

***

“Yeah, Matt was always coming up with weird fantasies,” says Tony. The brunette wig needs some wearing in, but he’ll get used to it. “Think Da dropped him on his head too many times growing up.”

Everyone around the table looks at ‘Tony’, clearly not sure what to make of their new workmate. 

Rudy goes first. “So... he wasn’t fucking General Hux?”

“No. Afraid not. It was probably an idea put in his head by someone... he always did pick up on things people suggested around him.”

“Oh,” says Ella. “That was probably my fault. I just... I thought he...”

“It’s okay. He’s apparently been given a position on a less stressful ship. I’ll send him your best wishes, if he even remembers you exist.” Pause. “Because of the re-conditioning, not because you’re not memorable.”

“Shame,” Cael says. “I was kinda getting to like the guy. I mean, he was weird and all, but he _did_ have wonderful stories to tell.”

“Oh? What... especially did you like about him?” Tony asks. You know.

So he can remember to do it again, now he’s Tony. 

He’s not about to give up their pazaak nights, is he?


End file.
